How to Identify Your Kind of Sexual Desire and Use it to Enhance Your sex Life
It’s no secret that sexuality and sexual desire are incredibly complex concepts that many people spend years trying to discover for themselves. Some might experience intense sexual desire more consistently; some rarely feel sexual desire at all. Companies throughout the years have tried to create products with aphrodisiac qualities to promote sexual desire. And while these products are innovative and can help in most cases, what if there are other factors to be considered? What if partners don’t just have different libidos? It’s possible they just have different kinds of sexual desire.
Through learning about the different types of sexual desire, their definitions, and how they manifest themselves in the bedroom, you can uncover how to work with your desire to get the most pleasure possible out of intimacy with your partner.
For the most part, there are primarily three distinct kinds of sexual desire: spontaneous, contextual, and responsive. Depending on which type you most strongly resonate with, it can impact how you respond to sexual advances and intimacy, as well as what you need from your partner during (or before) sex.
SPONTANEOUS DESIRE
As the name implies, spontaneous desire occurs with little warning or stimulation, before sex is even initiated. This form of desire is most commonly portrayed (and exaggerated) in mainstream media and pornography: everyone involved is suddenly overcome with passion, clothes are being torn off and there’s often little to no foreplay to be seen.
Spontaneous desire doesn’t require much – or any – intimacy or affection for desire to occur in the lead up to sex. Instead, what’s valued is unprompted, spur-of-the-moment intimacy and advances. For them, sex is always unforced, unplanned and impulsive. Surprising them by wearing some sexy lingerie or inviting them into the shower with you is a great way to enhance your experience with someone who experiences spontaneous desire.
As previously stated, this kind of sexual desire is most prominently portrayed in the media. But how common is it, really? It’s been found that around 75% of men report experiencing this kind of sexual desire. And women? Only 15% said they resonate with spontaneous desire. This disparity can often cause strain on heterosexual relationships since the woman can often feel pressured to be ready for sex at the drop of a hat while the man can also feel frustrated because he always initiates sex. This makes having an honest conversation about sexual desire all the more important. Furthermore, this sheds new light onto the stereotype that “men are just hornier than women”. As it turns out, it may appear that they are more easily aroused, however it’s more likely the case that they experience spontaneous desire.
If this is the case, what about women? How do they navigate sexual desire?
RESPONSIVE DESIRE
Compared with spontaneous desire, 30% of women experience responsive desire, while only 5% of men report that they relate to this kind of desire. Responsive desire refers to sexual desire being a response to intimacy and sex. Those who experience responsive desire may not feel desire at the start of sexual intimacy, but the feeling grows as the activities progress.
Some people may believe that they have a lower libido than their partner, or that they might not even be attracted to their partner at all. But this might not be the case. It could be that they simply experience responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire. Since this type of desire comes about as a result of intimacy being initiated, it might be that they don’t start feeling desire until several minutes into foreplay. Taking your time and being patient when it comes to affection in the lead up to sex is vital when it comes to working with your responsive desire. Making sure the mind and body are both at ease is the key.
With respect to exactly how you can accomplish this, simply find small actions that you can take to slowly turn your partner on throughout the day. Before initiating sex is even on the table, try sending some dirty and flirty texts to your partner, slightly teasing them almost. Even throwing in some lingering touches or some brief – but still passionate – kisses can do more than you might think. However, as previously stated, there’s still a wide berth between how women and men perceive desire. Therefore, it’s important to find what does turn your partner on and when the right time is to do this. If you’re pawing at your partner in bed before sleep in the hopes of having sex, you might find it’s not the most effective method. In fact, it can often feel like you should be horny because your partner expects it, and no one wants that kind of pressure – it’s hardly sexy.
CONTEXTUAL DESIRE
In a similar vein to responsive desire, contextual desire is fully dependent on the environment around you. This is to say that depending on the day you’ve had and the state of the space around you, you might be more or less likely to be experiencing sexual desire. For example, are you worried about finances/school/work? Is the laundry piling up in the corner and it’s nagging at your brain? You’re probably not going to be in the mood any time soon.
How do you work with your contextual desire to make the most out of sex? Your best bet is to create an environment that encourages feelings of sexual desire. You’ll find that’s easier done than said. Making sure there are no immediate chores that need doing is a great place to start. Out of sight, out of mind. Light some candles, put on some sexy music, put on your favourite piece of lingerie. This makes more sense than you’d think. What environment best exudes an aura of sensuality? Option A: a messy house with dishes piled high. Or, Option B: a romantic couple’s getaway with rose petals scattered on the bed. Cliché? Maybe. Reliable? Definitely.
Responsive and contextual desire often overlap, and those who experience one more than likely experience the other too. You might find that your body isn’t responding to sexual desire because you’re too focused on all the other tasks that are more important. Working on finding ways to hit that accelerator pedal in the lead up to sex will be your best friend.
Overall, sexual desire is complicated and some things we can’t control easily. But what we can control is our understanding of our own – and our partner’s – sexual desire and how best to work with what we have, not fighting against it. If you and your partner have different types of sexual desire, you can still have a full and satisfying sex life, just remember to have an open dialogue about what works for you.
Emma Wilson is a newcomer to the adult toys industry, providing customer service and writing fun product descriptions, articles and more for Nobü Toys.
